Success changes people. Can we just accept that? Let me tell you a story about one of these people, and let’s call her Loyce for the sake of this article. Loyce is a regional director in a multinational company. She started from the bottom and has worked her way to the top. Loyce’s ambitions have not died and there are still many things she wants to accomplish including starting a foundation of her own. Loyce is disciplined, manages time well, is a natural leader, and is always looking to advance herself. She consistently makes a point of meeting people she can learn from, and does a course at least once every two years. In addition, she makes an enviable seven-figure income. She has a good lifestyle but is also an avid investor. She is proudly wealthy (her words). Her family life is good, and her kids have the benefit of attending great schools.
About 5 years back, she used to have people she considered good friends. Some of them still are, but most of them unfortunately are not. They would spend a lot of time together, share their ups and downs, talk about people, and complain about the world like most friends do. Then, her big break started when one of the heads of department had to relocate. She applied and was chosen, aided by the fact that they also needed this role filled extremely quickly. Her time became very stretched. She quickly realised the potential in her role and committed to giving it her best shot. In time, she found that she could not attend each and every luncheon, outing, baby shower, wedding, chama meeting etc. She then noticed that her friends would avoid her even when she could make it. In time, and from reliable sources, she found that the conversations about her tended to go like this. They’d say that “Loyce doesn’t want to hang out with most of us anymore. Loyce is arrogant and looks down on us. Loyce only wants to be seen with people at her own level. Loyce only wants to go to expensive places these days. And…Loyce has changed.”
If I had the pleasure of addressing Loyce’s friends, this is what I would tell them. Experiences change people. What would the point of having these experiences if they did not serve the purpose of growing us? When we grow, we change; just the same way a fourteen year old is a different person from when they were four. Loyce’s perspective in life will definitely have shifted. Once she became a head of department, she was now responsible for other people, budgets, reporting to international committees etc. This is called exposure. She will see life differently, and acceptance of this change is what propelled her forward. Truth is, maybe conversations that are shallow are no longer appealing to her. Loyce will want to hang out with people who think like her and are also growing in their own right. This is not about having similar titles at work or even similar income. One of the people she stayed very close with is a stay-at-home mum who now wants to pursue a business venture. Loyce says that they share common ground with their perspective on life, family, as well as ambitions in business. They learn a lot from each other.
I would think that friends would be clever enough to realise what an intellectual resource they have in Loyce. I would also tell Loyce’s ex-friends that she changed as she discovered her values. She is an ambitious person who will thrive in the presence of progressive people. Others may progress in work, others in business, others in learning, others in family, or in a skill, but progression is evident somewhere. Maybe people who actually have time to meet and complain about others are no longer in line with what she values in relationships. There is a serious lack of ambition when the highlight of your day is talking about others. Sometimes we do this because it masks our own insecurity. Gossip makes us feel better for a moment, then we don’t have to deal with what is not happening in our own lives.
As for the complaint about Loyce’s standards of living. She has the right to enjoy her hard-earned money as she pleases. Interestingly enough she has not really changed the kind of places she likes to go to, so it turns out that this may just be another excuse to avoid her. Yes, once in while she does treat herself, which has nothing to do with others and she would never impose that on others. Some become arrogant because of the money. That’s negative change. This was not Loyce. She did not let the titles or money become her identity. She did not look down on people because of her success and neither did she have a superiority complex.
It’s interesting how change is accepted with negative experience such as loss. We associate it with words like stronger, wiser etc. However, change becomes a bad thing when it’s a positive experience such as Loyce’s. That’s when ‘arrogant’ and other words are used. We can’t have our cake and eat it. Accept change both ways. So why am I talking about perceptions of success in a money column? If you don’t accept the change that comes with success, you cannot create wealth. Wealth creation, more than the money, is about growth of character – and that is change. A one-hundred-bob mind cannot make or hold on to a million bob. Be willing to change, and be willing to let go of smaller-minded people. Sometimes the season for certain relationships comes to an end. Don’t feel condemned because you’ve been told you have changed, especially when you know its positive for you. Let them be. Run your own race. Change!
Waceke Nduati-Omanga runs programs on Personal Finance Management and Entrepreneurship.
Find her at waceken@centonomy.com| twitter @CekeNduati| Facebook.com/CekeNduati
Love the article. This happens so often…When you are trying to make it, some people will always say “unaringa sasa umepata pesa”.