When To Say No To Giving

Sam is nineteen years old and in a local university in Nairobi. He is given some pocket money by his parents that adequately takes care of his expenses. However every so often he will ask his sister, Mary, who works as a lawyer to give him extra money claiming what his parents send him is not enough.  She indulges him more often than not. One day she goes out to a club with her friends.  Before her very eyes is her young brother Sam, buying the kinds of drinks that only people with considerable income should be able to afford. Mary confronts him and he convinces her that this was a one off event because it was a friend’s birthday.  She continues giving him money.  However she still hears rumors of him being spotted in expensive places.  This was a story that was shared in one of our classes in the Centonomy course.  The question that had come up was about giving.  For many of us, our personal finances are usually distorted by the above or similar scenarios.  Apart form our immediate nuclear family we seem to have other dependents that we take care of.  We may have parents we are supporting or like in the case above siblings and other relatives.  We do feel obliged to help out.  There are many people who in fact tell me that they feel guilty for maybe having an opportunity that the younger siblings did not.  However as much as we want to give, we do have to consider some pertinent facts.

Firstly is your giving empowering somebody or creating a dependence?  Many people have been to school or university because someone gave.  Many people have been able to get treatment because someone gave. Families have been able to clear hospital bills because someone gave. In these cases the giving has empowered.  You have an educated person as a result of this, a healthy person and families have overcome financial difficulties. Elderly parents are being taken care of. These are people that were honestly in situations where they could not do it alone and need the help. That is not the case with Sam or the subject of this article. Sam is an able young man who is obviously using his sisters hard earned money to party.  His basics have been covered and he is just looking for that extra cash to live it up.  He is now used to getting it when he wants from his sister. She is creating a dependence and in the process disempowering Sam.  Sam should work part time and figure out what he can do to make his own money to party.  Sam is already developing a habit of spending beyond his means.  This may not stop when he finishes university and gets a job. He will spend beyond his salary and his sister, Mary, will be replaced by a bank loan, credit card loan shark, a friend etc.  Mary’s giving has taught Sam, that when he needs extra money, it should come from other people. It is not him to work and figure out how to make it.  There are many people giving money to Sam in some way or form.  Remember there are Sam’s also using the need for basic expenses as an excuse to be lazy. Sam may finish campus and need help as he looks for a job. You may find that he does not exert himself in actually looking for work and instead spends most of his time watching TV, comfortable in the fact that his expenses are paid for.  This is creating the same if not more dangerous dependence. What you can do is to create time lines.  E.g. you can support people for the next six months but after that be very clear that they are expected to stand on their own two feet.  I have seen people in this dependency comfort zone decline jobs because they were not paying enough. Mary’s answer to Sam should have been No.

Your personal goals should not stop because you are giving. Your generosity should not disempower you in the process. If you have decided to give consistently for genuine cases boundaries should still be set so that it does not distort your own plans.  If it is Kshs 5,000 per month let it be that. Not Kshs 5, 000 then Kshs 10, 000, then Kshs 7, 000.  When the figure of what people need is constantly changing then you cannot plan for yourself.  Say you wanted to save Kshs 10, 000 per month.  You would then resort to continuously adjusting it to reflect the amounts you are giving.  So not only are you rewarding the recipients indiscipline you are compromising your own financial goals.  Just because you may have money in your savings account does not necessarily mean you have money to give.  It may be for school fees next term, investments you were planning to do and even a holiday. When you are regular with the amount you are also teaching the Sam’s of this world to work with a budget and to plan. So at the end of the day if you have to say no, do not feel guilty about it.  The person may not understand your decision and like you very much for a while but the choice is yours to plan and use your resources well. Always ask what you are teaching in the process?  I believe that with people who are able it should be about empowering them not just in the amount of money being given but the lesson. Remember giving does not have to be just money.  It may even turn out better for them to be mentored or given the opportunity to work somewhere.  There’s a lady I know who sponsored school fees for her younger cousin and in exchange he would come and work for three days a week in her business.  That is empowerment!

Waceke runs programs on Personal Financial Management and Entrepreneurship.  Find her at waceken@centonomy.com| twitter @cekenduati| facebook.com/cekenduati