The Shame of Debt

Makena came back from university in the UK three years ago. She had recently gotten engaged and needed to plan her wedding and start her new life with her husband to be.  She had also managed to secure a job with a stock broking firm. She was happy to be home but she was carrying one heavy burden.

She was in a lot of credit card debt, that she had accumulated buying things she could not even remember. Already repaying this debt was going to take a chunk of her new salary for the next three years and obviously impact her ability to share in some of the expenses for the wedding but she just couldn’t bring herself to tell her fiancé, Jim that. Rather than be honest about her financial situation she secretly borrowed from friends and family to fund her portion of the expenses for the wedding.  Anything not to have to tell Jim.  Makena told me that it would have been easier for her if she did not have a job because that would be an understandable reason.  However she could not bring herself to admit it was because of debt.

Steve is a successful banker.  A year ago he took a loan from the bank and invested in a restaurant business that a good friend of his was starting up.  Everything seemed to be adding up and he viewed this as the perfect investment for him. He regularly envisioned taking his business contacts or friends to the restaurant as a part owner.  He had already started talking about his successful venture. Unfortunately it did not do well as planned. Steve was not convinced that this should fail and borrowed again to sink more money into it.

Again it run into problems and he still managed to let his friend once again talk him into putting more money.  Today Steve’s finances are in a mess.  A lot of his salary goes towards repaying this very bad debt.  To save face and keep up his reputation as a successful banker, Steve will get salary advances, borrow from loan sharks, use his credit card to fund bits of his lifestyle.  However he knows he is in a downward spiral and does not know what to do about it.

Perhaps many of us reading this can relate to Makena or Steve.  We have had an experience or are going through something now with debt and can relate in some way. Sometimes the hardest part of getting out of debt is the mental association we have with debt that keeps us from being able to see what the practical solution may be.  Fear of judgment like Makena from people who are close to us makes us hide our situation. Remember Jim has done nothing.

It is simply Makena’s conclusion on what Jim will think of her that is making her hide.  She doesn’t know because she never talked to him about it. She has now been able to look at that situation retrospectively and can now see she didn’t open up about her problem because she was first and foremost criticising herself for this debt and just concluded everyone else will do the same. Self-condemnation for a past mistake will never help you.  We can see this condemnation masked as complete denial from Steve. Steve is behaving like a criminal trying to cover up evidence of a crime.

To the outside world he simply wants to pretend it did not happen.  The reason he is in this problem in the first place is because he never wanted to admit he made a mistake.  So he just kept sinking more money “hoping” that in some way it will work out. For him it had to work out because he had hinged his reputation on this. He is in debt simply because of not accepting the first time that it did not work out and letting go at that point.  He continues to be in debt because he is trying to save face and live a lifestyle he really cannot afford.

Both Makena and Steve are stuck in shame. This can never make you see the solution. In fact it is a way of running away from facing the solution because shame always wants to hide.  Yes it is hard, but the more we admit to ourselves and those around us who need to be aware the more we are able to deal with the debt. I cannot guarantee you will always get a positive response from those around you but you don’t know until you try.

Even if you don’t, you have at least stopped living in hiding so it is still a step in the right direction for you. The people around you garner respect for you when they see how you are dealing with the situation, not running away from it.   When we are hiding it means we don’t talk about it so there is no way we can see the solutions. We pretend not to think about it or be affected but you know the stress, nightmares in your sleep and even illness it causes.

If you are in this kind of debilitating debt, unlike Makena and Steve you have to come to terms with it.  You have to accept the situation you are in. You may have made mistakes but that’s OK as long as you allow the mistake to start teaching you a lesson today.  Steve did not want to learn the lesson so he kept making the same mistake.  Remember it is not the mistake that defines you but rather how you deal with the mistake. So start dealing with it.  Yes something will have to change to get through debt. You will definitely have to do something different to get out of this debt.

You may have to cut expenses or you may have to think outside the box to generate more money to pay down your debts. You may have to deal with a tough discussion with family members.  You cannot see how to do this if you are pretending it did not happen.  The answer will never come if you are hiding or covering up. The starting point of getting out of debt is removing the shame of it.