In my book Making Cents, I share the story of Faith and James who for years talked about everything under the sun apart from money. They both came into the marriage with different mindsets on money. James was brought up to ‘take care’ of his family but they never completely communicated about what that actually means.
When Faith stopped working, it did not magically make them talk about money as one would theoretically think. I have also seen that financial windfalls don’t also make people talk about money. Unspoken resentment started building up in both of them as their financial habits were magnified.
Both worried about finances but not really saying anything about it. Passive aggressive fights start to erupt that didn’t really address the core issue. Until it got to a point that they had to sit down and talk. It was that or the marriage. Money in relationships is tricky.
We never went to a class to learn how to talk about money to each other. Both parties have different contexts of money because of upbringing. Different everyday influences even as adults can cause a rift e.g. if one has social pressure to live up to a certain lifestyle from peers, family or a group of friends.
All this makes the financial conversation harder but more necessary. So what does this conversation entail?
- Understand your own baggage first.
You have to take stock of why you do what you do or think the way you do? Why do you spend the way you do or even save the way you do? Whether you see yourself as ‘provider’ or ‘provided’ what does that actually mean to you?
You may be saving every penny because you experienced a lack that you never want to see again in your life and so resent it when your spouse spends on anything that is not a complete necessity. Though you may have reason to think the way you do, this will help you understand that it is your baggage, not theirs.
It does not actually mean that they are doing something wrong by not conforming to your beliefs. You could also find in this process that you are genuinely worried about something you have not verbalized. Maybe you are privately thinking ahead about the school fees or the mortgage so you feel the money could have been directed there.
Many times we make the mistake of thinking people should think the same way as us. Nobody was put on earth to be a replica of you so let go of the judgment. If you have lost your income and are scared of telling your spouse, that is your fear you have to deal with not the other person becoming something else so that it is easier for you to say it.
- Verbalize what you want
Now that you have taken stock of yourself, you can separate the baggage from the truth. The baggage may have been the belief (and consequent resentment) that any spending out of the necessary is irresponsible. The truth is you want to build up an emergency fund, pay off debt, save for fees, etc.
The baggage could be you are spending to keep up with others. The truth could be going on holiday once a year is what you would really like. You may not do it all and definitely not at once but respectfully make what is important to you known.
It is so common in this conversation to have one person dominate and the other partner falls in line. This is unhealthy and a reflection that something is not being said which will then build resentment. Irrespective of who brings in more money everyone has a right to speak.
This can be very uncomfortable and fear will tempt you to play it safe. But this will come back and bite you in the long run. Also, talk about what is not working for you at the moment. Saying what you feel about a situation is not attacking somebody else.
For example, there are a lot of people, particularly women, uncomfortable with how property is owned, and this breeds insecurity. There are a lot of men who would also want their partners to contribute to the household income.
Maybe there was a time when one person could stay home and now things need to change. These situations are not rectified a lot of the time because they are not talked about. Again, if you are the listening party remember not to bring your baggage or judgment. It does not mean there is a lack of trust, it is what somebody feels.
- Agreement and compromise
It is important to establish what are the priorities you have as a family and what you are working towards together. This helps identify the common values and you usually find it is in saving for retirement, school fees, wider family obligations, dealing with debt, etc.
This helps one move from judging habits to dealing with what is important. There may be somethings that you also agree to pursue individually e.g. business or social interests that lie outside this scope. What’s ours, yours, mine is usually a healthy end result.
What financial decisions do we make together, which ones do we do individually? Nobody wants to be micromanaged on everything. What do we own together, which ones may make sense to do individually?
This is not a one-time conversation. It should happen at least every year and touch base every quarter to ensure you are still on the same page. Things in between the year also change.
I know that there are situations where things have gotten more serious then I can cover in this article and this would end up being a very heated discussion. It is OK to take a breath and come back to it another day or get someone to moderate the discussion.
The first step can be many conversations. Irrespective of the process you have to go through when it comes to money the things not said are more dangerous than the things we are scared of saying.
Article Written by Waceke Nduati (Author, Entrepreneurship Coach, & Founder, Centonomy Ltd)
Waceke’s book Making Cents is now on sale at selected bookstores and also available to order on 0715085777. For queries on speaking engagements and training programs get in touch through waceken@centonomy.com| twitter@cekenduati.